Do you ever wonder if you past will come back to haunt you? I don’t. My past haunts me every single day. Some choices occupy my mind and eat away at my soul. Choices which have prevented me from getting a good night’s sleep in over ten years. Choices which led to self destructive behavior, and failed relationships. Choices which caused me to build a wall around my heart and never let anyone in. Choices I made which led to me leaving you.
Believe me when I say that I am not looking for sympathy, or forgiveness for that matter. I have just recently realized that I can no longer hide from the pain of my past. I can no longer hide from the guilt of leaving you the way and when I did. I can no longer hide from the regret of knowing that I met my soul mate and walked away. In an effort to face my mistakes, I decided to try and contact you. I have wanted to contact you so many times in the past and never followed through. I am not even sure I have the courage to send this letter. Not that this is very courageous. This is the coward’s way out, but then again I chose the coward’s way many times when it came to us, so why should this be different.
I want you to know that I have thought about you almost every day of my life for longer than I can remember. I have searched for an email address for you many times. I searched for a phone number just so I could call you. I wasn’t sure what I would say if I did. “Hi, this is the asshole who screwed up so many years ago, how are you?” I even sat outside your parent’s house one day for about two hours hoping to catch a glimpse of you. I was on a business trip to Houston alone and drove to their new home. I parked in a lot down the street and waited. I am not sure what I would have done if I had seen you. I am not sure what I really expect now.
I know this is beginning to sound like stalking, but I have lived with a feeling of regret for so long. Every once in a while I have to try and resolve it.
I ran across your wedding announcement on the Internet. I always assumed you would be married, but somehow actually knowing you were, broke my heart. You may not believe this, but I hope that you are happy. I hope that your life has been wonderful. I hope you have not lived the life of “what ifs” that I have lived.
You may have forgotten about me years ago. You may curse me everyday. You may never think about me at all. Any of these reactions are understandable. You may never wonder what would be if we had made a different decision somewhere along the road. I do. I wonder what my life would have been like if I had made one different choice. I know that I should not live in the past, but that choice has defined my life and maybe yours. It is the one defining moment in my life that I wish I could take back.
I am sorry if this letter has brought up some painful memories for you. But, I can’t go on avoiding my mistakes nor can I continue to live as I have for the last ten years. I can’t ignore these issues any longer.
I am not sure if you want to contact me or not, but I would like to hear from you. I would like to hear about your life. I would like to know that you are happy. I wouldn't mind if you just told me I was a son of a bitch and never contact you again. I have set up an email box just for you. Feel free to send me anything, even a hate letter. I am really not expecting much to come from this, but I needed to try and heal this open wound somehow and this was the most unobtrusive solution I could come up with.
Blue944
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